At around 3 years old children start to express (without encouragement) feelings of love for their caregivers. At the time of writing my daughter is 4 and randomly she turns to me and says “Daddy”, “yes” I say, “I love you!” Oh my word my heart skips a beat! What a joy, what a blessing!
Our relationships with our caregivers directly influences how we choose to be open to giving our heart to others. I remember specifically when I first ‘fell in love’ with a girl. I was elated, floating on air, with little awareness of the potential pitfalls that awaited me.
One day, I was 11, in the days before cell phones, I rang her house and asked her mother if I could speak to her. Her name was Amanda. She came on the phone and I said “Hi Amanda, I Love You!’ And then I hung up instantly in embarrassment. Phew it was done, I’d expressed myself, my heart sang its truth and for a brief moment I felt released and enlivened with hopeful future.
Within the hour I received a call myself from Amanda. “I hate you!” And she hung up. I was crushed, confused and shattered! Tears poured out my being and I didn’t know where to go. I was at my mother’s home at the time (my parents separated when I was 4). My relationship with my mother was not usually a cuddly one, although there was deep caring from my mother she never had time for anything less than an emergency. I remember staggering into the lounge where my mother was busy reading. She saw me in pain and without missing a beat and to my amazement, put down her task and opened her arms to hug me. I collapsed even deeper into my heart break!!
I wept hard! I felt my mother’s presence fully with me. Rarely had I ever felt that before. My mother was always busy, always working, always managing the environment. Something I’m sure she felt her 5 kids were antecedent to ! The last time I remember feeling such compassion from my mother was when I stood outside dripping in blood, having rounded a corner into a plank of wood at a building site.
As I laid with her and told her what happened, she stayed with me, not trying to stop my tears, simply witnessing with her loving presence my pain. I don’t remember exactly what she said to me, all I remember is my heart felt held and loved unconditionally. Still to this day I remember that kindly event as one of my fondest loving memories. My heart was met by a love that transcended time and space, a mother’s love, consistent and strong , always present in the background of every screaming complaint. My heart ache turned to gold. Love offered and love returned. What more could someone ask for than this eternal love? I was already loved, I am already loved. I no longer needed to validate my emotions with another’s returned. I am free to love more wildly without fear that could have grow had my wound not been cleaned as it was. Thank you mum!
